Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Nice Guys

Nice Guys are dicks.
And I don’t mean nice guys, no. No. I mean Nice Guys. It’s a title.
You know the guys I mean.
Yeah…fuck those guys.
They’re dishonest, manipulative, and have a severe martyrdom complex.
And I know this, because well, I was one of 'em.
I was a Nice Guy, trapped in the friend zone lamenting how I always finished last,
not considering that maybe I finished last because I let everyone start ahead of me.

Here's an example of the Nice Guy's mind in action:

Man, I just met this girl and she’s beautiful and charming and funny and different!
But I want her to trust me, because true love needs trust…it needs to have time to grow.
So I’ll get close to her as a friend, and hopefully one day, she’ll fall in love with me.

So The Nice Guy makes his “friend” approach, builds a friendship based on false pretenses and earns the trust that a friend would have from this girl with whom he is so very in love.

Part of the trust in trusting a friend is being able to relax
and believe that this person is not just trying to fuck you.

So the Nice Guy tries to play the “close friend” while trying not to seem sexually interested. He cuddles and gives back rubs as an excuse to get physically intimate. He says things like “You’re so hot!” and then goes “HAHAHAHAHA just kidding!”

So you plan to win the heart of this woman by saying it was a JOKE when you told her she was attractive?

You fucking clod.

All these Nice Guys have a breaking point, too. Time will manifest the revelation that they didn't "just want someone to hold them." They wanted her, they've always wanted her, and they just can't keep it quiet any longer.

Surprise! It doesn't work!

And then, because he’s a Nice Guy, he stays her “friend” and silently pines over her until his next true love comes along.

And the best part? He honestly believes that this woman he loves couldn't see through his pathetically transparent façade. Hey, nice guy, she knew what you were doing from day 1.

I know, that in your eyes, you're a hopeless romantic, constantly overlooked by women who prefer assholes. But to everybody else? You're a sad, lost puppy dog, and who doesn’t love taking care of a puppy dog? Sure, you pissed on the rug, but you can't help it, you're a puppy dog!

So you're wordlessly forgiven, and you never learn that what you did was wrong. When in truth, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself.

If there’s anybody who hears this, to whom this rings a little close to home? Take my advice. Be honest. Be yourself. If you meet someone you think is beautiful, or special. Just tell them. They’re not going to laugh at you. And if they do, why the fuck would you think them to be special?

Declare yourself. Be proud of yourself. And I don’t want to hear “I’m not what society deems attractive, so it doesn’t work for me.”

I have been in numerous relationships since I left the Nice Guys, and I am 340 pounds.

If this reaches any of you back in the Guild, I hope you heed my words.

And for the Nice Guys who don’t listen? I’ll see you at the finish line.

I’ll be the one drinking the last glass of water.

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