Not For Kids

NOTE: This is another one intended for spoken word. Some jokes only make sense when read aloud (Sawed me, for instance.) Check out Urban Dictionary for any terms with which you may not be familiar.


Once, there were three funny little gnomes named Frumpy, Blumpkin, and Felcher, and they lived deep out in the bush where nobody could find them.

The three friends had just gotten back from seeing their families for the holiday, and were eager to catch up on each others’ news.

“Frumpy” asked Blumpkin, “What did you do for your Gnomesday?”

“Well!” started Frumpy, “My parents like to keep things simple, and in the family, so we stay in as long as we can, and if somebody asks us to come somewhere, we say sorry, but we’re not coming anywhere today. We wake up, put on our special Mushroom Caps, and share our gifts with each other. I was hoping for a muff this year, so I could keep my hands warm in winter, but instead, I got wood.” And Frumpy proudly displayed his wood to his two friends.

“Gee Frumpy!” Shouted Felcher, “I sure would like to play with your wood some time!”
Frumpy giggled, “Of course Felcher! Both of you are welcome to play with my wood any time you like! I bet it’ll be loads of fun!”

Felcher beamed excitedly. “My Gnomesday was great, because it’s also my birthday! We always wake up really early so my Dad can enjoy the way the forest smells in the early day. He always says ‘Felcher, there’s nothing quite like the smell of morning wood to keep me going!’ We exchange presents and then go out to a restaurant! I got so excited for my mom’s present that I dove right into her box!”

Blumpkin laughed; “That’s because you’re so full of spunk, Felcher! So what did you get?”

Felcher gave a cocky grin; “Haven’t you noticed? It’s a new suit! I’ve been wearing my birthday suit this whole time!”

“Oh my!” exclaimed the others, “That’s very handsome!”

“I had to send my suit to a steamer in Cleveland” mumbled Blumpkin.

“So what did you eat?” Asked Frumpy.

“Well, we like traditions. My sister has always had a taco, and I’ve always had a sausage and beans. Heck, even my parents get crabs every year! And to wash it all down, we had a nice big pitcher of donkey punch!”

Blumpkin sighed. “My Gnomesday is always very busy. My parents insist I do spelling exercises before I get any gifts. Normally I only have to spell 5 or 6 words, but this year, they made me do 69! It was such a mouthful!”

Frumpy patted his friend on the back “Hey Blumpkin, spelling is important! Remember, you can’t have a smile without s&m!”

“I guess so.” Said Blumpkin. “We went out to see a neat magician later though, and I got to be his assistant! He put me in this big box, and then do you know what he did?”

The others shook their heads.

“Sawed me! He sawed me right in half and put me together again! It was great! Then I got this special skin lotion”

Felcher looked confused. “It’s lotion made of skin?”

“No, silly!” Laughed Blumpkin, “It’s –for- skin!”

Just then, it began to rain, and the three friends looked very worried.

“Oh no!” Cried Frumpy, “it’s raining! If I get wet, I’ll have to sleep wet, which means I’ll have wet dreams!”

“It gets worse!” cried Felcher, “Look! Here comes the Angry Pirate!”

The Angry Pirate with one peg leg was pegging as fast as he could, directly towards the three gnomes.

“Oh dear!” shouted Blumpkin, “He’s here to spread his taint all over our home!”

“Or summon that awful beast with two backs again!” Added Frumpy.

“Arr! No! No! Ye’ve got it all wrong gnomes!” Laughed the Angry Pirate. “I be here to wish ye a happy Gnomesday! I brought ye umbrellas t’keep ye dry on the walk home, and I’ve a special gift for each of ye!”

The gnomes laughed as they accepted his umbrellas and he walked them the rest of the way home, pegging quickly to keep up with them. And when they got to their homes, they smiled with delight, because the Angry Pirate had given each of them a beautiful golden shower.

The end.